Creating Strength
[8 a.m, est]
Some stages of the thought process that led to this morning's wandering writings:
1. It's really cold outside
2. I am running an afternoon workout today
3. I haven't done an afternoon workout in....2, 3 months? Ish?
4. My stomach feels not-so-good
5. I am afraid
Pause.
What am I afraid of?
Running is a sport that drives you both physically and mentally, each and every day. To be your best as a runner, you have to constantly check in on your emotions and face an overwhelming amount of hesitation, even fear. Today is one of those days where I have been sitting down with my doubts and fears, and practicing facing them.
Now, I don't want to sound ungrateful or frivolous in saying that I have all these large scary gloomy feelings about my running. I am overwhelmingly EXCITED and crazy happy to be competing at the Trials, and SO glad to be a part of Oiselle, have friends to run with each morning, and an above-freezing city to run in. Every day I'm thankful for healthy legs and a loving family. However, I think it's important to also share that like any other runner, of any ability level, I have fears. I'm afraid of a whole lot of things- some rational, some not. Like every runner, I'm afraid of injury. I'm afraid of hard workouts, not knowing what a workout exactly is, racing a new distance (i.e., the marathon). I'm afraid of having to sh**t my pants during a workout, or even more so, during a race. (Note- speaking from personal experience here...this will always be a BIG fear for me). I'm afraid of being judged for my abilities, but even more afraid of how harsh I can judge myself. I'm afraid of my own worries about nutrition and how that will affect my ability to adequately fuel my body.
I woke up this morning feeling a little unnerved and entirely preoccupied with worrying about the small details. I thought to myself, okay- on to the normal routine- breakfast, cup of tea, get organized for the day. The simple act of getting myself up and moving made me realize- why am I afraid? More importantly, why do I let myself become afraid, when the reality is, there is so much more to be excited about?
Being in the middle of marathon training for LA means I am currently riding a rollercoaster of the emotions that come with high-quality workouts, long runs, and new tests (eating gels!). It's a huge goal of mine to practice facing and accepting fear. Instead of letting fear and worry become the mantras of my training and my life, I am using 2016 to turn those emotions into better ones- anticipation, positivity, drive. Oiselle women and elite runners Steph Bruce and Lauren Fleshman talk about accepting what is true, and the challenge of truly believing in your goals. Taking their words to heart, for me, means facing my fears and using them as fuel. This post doesn't present all the tiny details about my fears, and how I feel vulnerable, but rather, was a way for me today to publicly share that those vulnerabilities exist. Overcoming them and using them to inspire my training and my goals is a big part of my training right now, and in the future.
Brené Brown, in Daring Greatly, writes "“Vulnerability is not knowing victory or defeat, it’s understanding the necessity of both; it’s engaging. It’s being all in.” Taking that to heart today, I'm heading out to work and to run embracing my vulnerabilities and using them to inspire me to be better. Each morning, I'm aiming to wake up reminding myself that fear and vulnerability are not scary, but instead part of the whole process of training and tools to be accepted and used. Added to my list for 2016- own my fears, don't let them own me.
**Side note: I've never written anything for the world wide web that so directly discusses the emotions I've been feeling. Publishing this post, in itself, means facing some of my vulnerabilities.**
Emotionally rambling post completed- it snowed in Charlotte on Sunday! What?! It might actually snow again this weekend- to everyone who lives in colder states, I applaud you. January continues to bring surprises, along with unpredictable weather. Shoutout to everyone who wears wool socks on their hands while they run because they need to go out and buy real gloves....yep, guilty.
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Creating Strength, Part Two:
[8 p.m., est]
I used this morning's trail of thoughts to write a post about facing and overcoming fear- not only in big aspects of life such as racing goals, or career hopes but on a smaller level the day-to-day process which is running. Despite writing a fairly long post on the topic, I still carried those fears and vulnerabilities with me into my day. However, I didn't carry them as worries but instead as motivators. The workout was going to be whatever it would be, and my only job was to run it. Nothing extraordinary, nothing new - just another piece of the puzzle.
Here's what the workout I did today looked like:
2 miles warm up
1200 @ 3:59-4:05 - ended up being a 4:05, legs definitely needed to wake up to the workout here
1000 @ 3:20
800 @ 2:41 - aiming at 80 splits but slightly off here; but feeling solid
4 x 1600 @ 5:41, 5:40, 5:40, 5:41 - really rolled through these. I felt smooth and controlled, and really locked in to the rhythm of 85 pace.
cooldown 3-4 miles for a total of 12
Summing up the workout, it was really a practice in rhythm. Rolling through the repeat miles at the end of the workout after some quicker paces was a good reminder of running strong through some fatigue, and remaining mentally engaged. It was a great confidence booster to feel so strong at the end of the workout, even feeling fairly loose and bouncy on the cooldown. It's as though my legs were saying, hey, we've warmed up, now when's the real workout?
Today reminded me to continue to hold on to patterns I've created in my training- good nutrition, adequate sleep, and stability in mind and body. While I have to work at these things every day - and often let my fears and vulnerabilities loom up over them- workouts like this are an excellent reminder of acknowledging progress and using mental weaknesses as motivation to continue to move forward.