Hard things but good things; an update
This blog post (and the past few months) can really be summarized by the following:
Life doesn't go according to plan.
I've tried to think of a eloquent or well worded expression of how things have been going; tried to sit down and write something that wouldn't be pretend everything was hunky-dory for me right now but also not too depressingly down in the dumps; sat down several times to think of a blog post that would express accurately those things...it's hard.
I came out of college last year looking for a job but also knowing I wanted to pursue my running. Last fall, I did- not without some struggle, but as the new year rolled around, persistence paid off and I was able to qualify for the Trials. Nothing could have been better than that experience, and it was everything I hoped for and more. Still, life continues, after highs and lows, so here I am now, wondering how exactly I got to this point in the spring - feeling sluggish, out of shape, and down.
I think sometimes people expect that students coming out of a college environment, like Davidson, have it set so they immediately just go on to some success and adult life, problem solved. No one gives much thought to the fact that this transition can be really hard. I left an environment which was rigorous and time-consuming, involving running, academics, friends, etc. Now, adult life- what do I do?
It's easy to see how going from 0 to 100 can be really tough, but often we forget how tough it can be to go from 100 to 0. This February, I let the 0-to-100 completely overwhelm me. Like many novices to the emerging and elite level of running, I am still learning to utilize my resources. From family to friends and teammates, I've been very much afraid of reactions and let those fears cloud a little of my vision of why I actually run- not because I wish to fulfill someone's expectations of me, and not because I have some standards to meet, but because I simply love the sport.
I have had the chance to read several heartfelt posts by other runners and women on the subject of 'burnout' or emotional fatigue, and dealing with setbacks. I will admit- I've been afraid of taking to the internet world, hesitant to put out my thoughts. I had a really good exchange with my teammate Anna about injuries, regaining fitness, and putting it on the world wide web- she gives great advice and writes a great blog herself! But, taking an example from Anna and others, I am finally brave enough to be back on here, letting you all know what's going on with me- I haven't dropped off the earth, but I have been learning a lot about myself and what I want along the way!
After finding few D1 coaches who were willing to have me run for them out of college, I was blessed to end up at Davidson under my current coach, Jen Straub, and over the span of four years managed to improve my 5k pr by over 2 1/2 minutes. Making All American my senior year was the capstone of a long and often difficult process of slowly improving and learning how to be a better runner and teammate. I can't say enough for how Coach Straub has stuck with me through the highs and the lows- many times her encouragement was what pushed me to continue even as the struggle to regain fitness and train seemed to great to overcome. Learning lessons like that from her and teammates at Davidson, as well as the incredible teammates I have now at Oiselle, have taught me that dreams don't die.
Finishing the Trials marathon was a mind boggling moment for me. It brought to light potential, but also reality setting in after I had returned home. These past few months, I've dealt with complications from some medications I was on, also anxiety - around having no 'real' income, job hunting, cruddy training, depressing thoughts. I lost confidence, despite the successes of the past winter. Not wanting to be a burden to others, not wanting to disappoint people, being an independent (and, ok, stubborn) type-A personality, I sometimes forget to take advantage of my support system- which extends to the social media sphere. Being raised to believe I can do pretty much anything if I work hard enough, I come down very, very hard on myself when I perceive that it's not going according to plan.
But
don't tell me I can't do something
don't say it will never happen
I believe in the impossible coming true, and I will always believe in dedication, determination, and will.
So I am regrouping. I start a teaching job in August, which I am absolutely thrilled with. Finding myself outside of running, finding a purpose in giving back in some way and providing for myself, has helped me to regain some confidence and look toward training with a fresh mind. I am restarting my training. The plan is not firmly in place...but one of my goals is to utilize my resources around me to the fullest and know that I am not in this race alone. I'm grateful for the support of friends, family, teammates, Oiselle, and the love they have showed me, and I will use that to give me strength and focus moving ahead. This summer brings new opportunities and new focus, and I will continue to develop these as the fall season approaches.
In addition, I will be cheering with excitement, as loud as possible, for my fellow birds flying this weekend at the Olympic Trials in Eugene! These 14 women are fierce and I hope the best for each of them - and they inspire me to continue my own journey to improve.
As ever, head up, wings out!