Embrace the Suck
If I had to choose only three words to describe my emotions this weekend and today, these would be the three:
Frustration.
Anger.
Hope.
Honest summation of where I was at yesterday evening: this shit sucks.
I feel like I'm dragging along, trying to catch up to where I want to be fitness-wise, lagging behind mentally and desperately trying to give myself enough pep talks to overcome the doubts that spring up whenever I think too hard about the season still ahead.
Like a teammate, Anna, posted last week, I feel like my body is catching up to me in ways that I wasn't anticipating and now I'm dealing with wading through a couple weeks of sludge before I can get to where I want to be. Anna wrote about feeling like she shouldn't post about negativity, and let me say, I could not agree more. I feel strongly that I should only put out positive, encouraging tidbits about experiencing successes.
But that wouldn't be an honest assessment of where I'm at currently. Like any other runner, I'm only human, and there are days or weeks when it feels like I'm running through mud and racing is scary because I know the results likely won't be up to my own standards. I'm angry with myself for being 'behind' and 'racing slow' and 'having to get in shape'. I'm frustrated that my body is taking longer to recover from my first marathon than I originally thought, and that I have been letting my mental fears and emotional state get ridiculously out of proportion, rather than remaining calm. I've spent the past three weeks dealing with some irritable stomach symptoms, but largely emotional mayhem- doubt, crying spells, fearfulness, etc.
Similarly, I do want to acknowledge that these "problems" are not life ending. They're not injuries, or huge life changes, or something totally foreign and unencountered. Instead, I'm in a situation which I've been in before- being less fit than I would like, and recognizing that work needs to be done. Key piece- work needs to be done - and work can be done.
Last week, I met with my nutritionist to talk about fueling for this season and getting back on good pattern for healthy, sustainable running- something I mentally struggle with after a break between seasons. She used the word "catastrophizing" to describe what I was doing when I let my thoughts carry fear and doubt ahead of today and tomorrow. In letting myself think about the possibility of "bad results" - running slow times, disappointing myself, disappointing the people and companies supporting me, my parents, not being able to physically stay tough - I forgot to think about the fact that I can only exist in where I am now. That isn't to say I leave my goals behind, but instead, realize that they are goals for a reason. I can't expect to become fit overnight (rationally, not possible). However, I can expect to put in work in the form of mindfulness, toughness, and a positive mentality- all things that will in turn enhance my training.
So where am I starting this week at? I'm sitting here, determined to make new strides and create forward movement every day. Sure, I put up a 17:43 in a 5k this past Friday night that will show up in results and if I think about it too hard, likely cause me to lean into panic-freak-out-catastrophize mode. In the moment, I wanted to sit down and cry. 17:43 might sound like a time I shouldn't be sad or complain about to many reading this- and it's true. Translated to any average runner, it's the feeling after a bad race that you have to mentally work to shake off. But one race doesn't define anyone- and everyone has those bad days. I want to choose to acknowledge sadness about a bad race- it has its place, and is real - but use to to fuel motivation and self-care. That time only means one thing - motivation. It doesn't have to take on anything more than that. Sure, I felt like crud mentally standing on that starting line- but, I still stood. Put in the work, and gradually, it comes around again to support you.
Like ultra runner Devon Yanko's true-grit post on weakness, life isn't always about the glory moments- sometimes, you have to fall down before you can get back up. I'm inspired by Devon, and others, to be patient with myself and "remember to have faith in my power to be my own superhero." The humanity of many of my teammates and fellow runners reminds me that I'm not alone in struggling with fitness. So many days, running is not about stellar moments and star power, but it's about gritting your teeth, grinding through workouts, and cultivating growth.
Here's to Mondays, mindfulness, and motivation from inside and out!